Daddy Issues
by Nienna Nir
Summary: Supplemental scene from Season 5 epi. 22 Swan Song. Castiel awakes in heaven after Lucifer destroys him in the cemetery to find someone he hadn't expected.


"Come on, son, wake up," the firm, gentle voice was like a balm, easing away the painful tingling enveloping his form. His senses jangled, prickling like a thousand ant bites on skin already red from too much sun. He could feel himself trembling, nearly convulsing and a cool touch settled on his face. The voice shushed him. "Easy now, it will pass in a moment."

"I died," Castiel declared, his voice shook and he squinted his eyes shut against the blurry image of the figure hovering over him.

"Afraid, so, yes," his caretaker seemed to nod. Castiel gasped in discomfort and the soothing touch returned, easing him. "You and your brothers haven't behaved too kindly to each other lately."

"Lucifer blasted me apart," Castiel murmured, his brow furrowed. He could just barely remember it now, the ramshackle graveyard coming into focus in his mind, still hazy around the edges. "How am I alive?"

"Well, there's really only one possible answer to that question, isn't there?" the voice asked in amusement. Castiel pried his eyes open, staring up into a familiar face he had not seen since he was quite young.

"Joshua?" he frowned in confusion. There was a time, long ages ago now, when he had wanted nothing more than to trail in Joshua's wake as he tended the gardens, asking him endless question until Joshua would give a grunt that was both amused and annoyed and thrust a trowel into his hands, demanding that he make himself useful. The memory brought a smile to his lips. Why had he abandoned that life of simple reflection to be a warrior?

"Don't move," Joshua cautioned gently, stroking his brow. "You'll need a bit to recover." Castiel's brow knitted as he gazed up at the comforting face.

"There's something odd about you," he observed, his voice still ragged. He had noticed it when he was young but he had dismissed it as unimportant. Now, so many years later, it seemed even more glaringly obvious, and he wondered that no one else had noticed.

"Ah, there we are," Joshua smiled as if Castiel had uncovered some great secret.

"Why was I spared?" Castiel's face contorted in confusion and worry.

"That's a better question," Joshua encouraged. "Though in reality it can have only one answer as well. If you were thinking all the way through these things you might have worked it out on your own already."

"I'm terrible at thinking when I'm dead," Castiel replied curtly, Joshua chuckled.

"You're alive because you're special, Castiel," Joshua answered, a tenderness in his tone. "Special because of all the hosts of heaven you alone have understood that the true purpose of free will is love. And you have embraced that purpose with a passion. In countless eons and days unnumbered you are the only one among your brethren to ever learn the only lesson God has ever sought to teach you all." Castiel felt a squeezing in his chest, not at the words but at something else, something more, something he could not have believed possible but was certainly true all the same.

"Father?" he whispered. Joshua raised a finger to his lips, a small smile on his face.

"Don't you feel a bit foolish for not having figure it out sooner?" God smiled down at him, still gently stroking his hair.

"I don't understand," and Castiel might have been ashamed at the tears that now filled his eyes except there was no room inside him to feel anything more than wonder. "We believed you were on Earth."

"I am," God nodded. "I'm also here."

"How..."

"Son, I transcend time and space, lets leave it there, shall we?" God gave him a wry smile.

"Why would you spare me?" Castiel was trembling now as a comforting hand brushed the tears from his face. "What I've done..."

"What you've done is learn to properly think for yourself," God insisted.

"Like Lucifer?" Castiel asked, unable to keep the bitterness from his tone.

"You're confusing thought with unbridled rage, son," God chided.

"You remind me a little of a human I know," Castiel admitted hesitantly.

"Really?" God seemed amused. "tell me about him."

"He wears flannel," Castiel related a bit uneasily. "Drinks copious amounts of alcohol and calls everyone an 'idgit'."

"I think I rather like him," God gave him a warm smile.

"None of this makes sense," Castiel groaned miserably, his expression pained and betrayed. "Why did you abandon us, abandon humanity? Why are you interfering now? How could you leave us without guidance, direction? Do you even know what's happening to us? Do you... do you even _care_?" He winced at his own words, expecting retribution but instead the familiar face from his youth only looked down at him with comforting eyes.

"I have always cared, Castiel," God murmured gently. "You are not wrong to question what you do not understand but the only comfort I can offer you is that of explanation. I will not change my course of action."

"Then at least tell me why you left us alone."

"I have never left you alone," God soothed. "I have been here watching, every moment. I have been on earth watching my creation there as well." He paused a moment, drawing in a long slow breath.

"In Mesopotamia once, many ages ago, you were tasked with watching over a young boy, do you remember?" He asked. Castiel nodded slowly.

"His name was Enoch," Castiel answered.

"Do you remember the day he first learned to walk?" God asked. Castiel thought a moment, his brow crinkling in concentration.

"He fussed for his mother as she sat at her loom but she wouldn't come to him," Castiel stated, his eyes losing focus as he drifted back in his memory. "She only smiled and finally he forced himself to his feet to go to her."

"And he fell," God remarked.

"Many times," Castiel nodded in agreement. "No matter how many times he stumbled she would not leave her task."

"Yes."

"We are not children," Castiel insisted sternly.

"Yes," God soothed tenderly. "Yes you are. You must understand, Castiel, I have had your love and devotion all of your days. But it has been a hollow love because it was not your choice. And from the very moment of your creation I have sought to teach you free will. But that lesson comes at a price. You can never know what choice is if I am there to guide your every step."

"Having experienced its consequences," Castiel declared sourly. "I'm not sure it's as valuable as you claim." God laughed in gentle amusement.

"I expect young Enoch didn't see the value in learning to walk on his own, either." He nodded. "I do not want your blind devotion, Castiel. It serves no purpose. So I have set you and all your brothers and sisters on the path of self determination."

"What do you expect me to do?" Castiel demanded desperately.

"I expect you to fall," God answered, smoothing the hair back from his face. "I expect you to fail, to make the wrong choices for the right reasons, to lose faith in me for a time. But in the end you will learn to walk on your own two feet. And I will accept the pain of watching all of you struggle for that achievement."

"If you already know what we will do, how can we truly have a choice?" Castiel demanded.

"Because I haven't stopped you from doing it," God answered. "Even in the most dreadful mistakes there are lessons to be learned. There are so many things I've wished for you to know. That is why I created humanity; nothing teaches an elder child love and responsibility like a younger sibling. But I expect you've learned that from that young human you've grown so fond of." Castiel's face flushed and God chuckled softly.

"Dean!" Castiel gasped out as if he had only just remembered the situation he had left the Hunter in.

"He's alive," God soothed.

"And Sam?" Castiel's voice wavered. God only looked down at him and he choked. "You have to free him, Dean needs him!"

"You will have to free him, Castiel," God insisted, firmly. "Please do not forget that Dean needs you as well. What you have done for Dean and Sam, what you will do, all these things are necessary. I will intervene to keep them alive, as I have with you, but the rest must be up to you. I know you're up to the task."

"How can you continue this?" Castiel asked, grief squeezing his heart. "My brothers and sisters will know, I cannot hide it from them. When they discover that I have spoken to you they will come to you demanding intervention."

"No," God shook his head sadly. "They will not." Castiel stared up at Him, tears welling once more in his eyes.

"You mean to erase my memory of this," he declared, his voice shaking. God only nodded in reply. Castiel choked back a desperate sob. "Then why? Why tell me this at all only to take it from me?"

"My words will stay with you," God insisted. "even if this encounter is forgotten, you will carry what I have told you deep within you."

"Please," Castiel begged, but God only shushed him tenderly.

"Even when you lose faith in me, my son," He whispered, his lips brushing Castiel's forehead. "I shall never lose faith in you."

Castiel gasped as a surge like a shock of electricity shot through him with a fierce blinding white light and he could feel his Grace unfurl, reenergized even as the Garden of Heaven dissolved around him. Soft lips left his forehead, whose? He should know the answer to that, but even in the absence of that knowledge was an overwhelming peace.

And then he was standing in an old unkept cemetery in Kansas, a battered, broken human figure huddled at his feet. Dean turned his stunned, blood splattered gaze up to meet Castiel's vibrant blue eyes.

"Cas, you're alive?" Dean choked out in obvious wonder. Cas felt his Grace stirring in his fingertips.

"I'm better than that," he answered, reaching out to touch Dean's forehead. In an instant the wounds were gone and endless sea green eyes gazed up at him as Dean rose to his feet, shock plain on his face.

"Cas, are you God?" Dean's question brought a smile to his lips, stirring something within him that he couldn't identify, something joyful and peaceful and completely right with the world.

"That's a nice compliment," he replied sincerely. "But no, although I do believe he brought me back." He felt filled with purpose, direction he couldn't explain, hope he couldn't remember feeling in a very very long time. He turned from Dean, unwaveringly certain in his direction.

"New and improved." he added.


End file.
